“Good” and “Bad” Don’t Tell Us Much

Long live the duality, for it gives us ice cream and hot chocolate, winter and summer and everything in between. But the original contrast of “good” and “bad” (or “evil” as it once were) just ain’t giving us much.

Good and bad are the most widespread judgments of our time. The primary division they provide between what is acceptable and what is not is relied upon by billions of minds. But the thing is, this instinctual separation is just not intelligent. It’s meant to be intelligent; it originated from the instinct to survive—but we humans are capable of nonjudgmental observation—a feat that can yield a vast array of creative solutions—so settling for good and bad just about everywhere is a huge let down to our potential.

Besides, setting our kids up with a good vs bad mindset only serves to encourage excessive and unncessary judgment of the world around them and the people in them, which actually inhibits their understanding. Further, the person it hurts most is them because the more they hear that they’re good or bad, the more they are likely to develop judgmental self-talk… a self talk system in which they are constantly grading themselves and believing that if they’re good, they’ll be loved and accepted and if they’re not, then they’ll be isolated, rejected, and alone.

Good news! We can help our kids form a more positively-serving, clear-minded perception than the ones we were brought up to have… so let’s do it! To hell with good and bad, let’s find some alternatives.

Disclaimer: When my kid was little, “good” and “bad” were the most I could get out of him in terms of how he felt or how his day was. To my dismay, indeed! Eventually I acquiesced that not all children are geared towards expressing or articulating their emotions verbally and that for many, it can just take time, years, before they get more specific. Acceptance is key! But as he got older, I’d gently encourage him along: What do you mean when you say your day was “bad”? Are you telling me that someone was unkind or you felt sad? Or that you missed me? Are you telling me you felt frustrated? for example. Help your child along with a LITTLE digging.

As for your own usage of these antique words, the first thing to ask yourself when replacing the words good and bad is: What am I really trying to say? If you tell me something is bad, that tells me nothing other than that whatever it is is not desirable to you. I, we, need more information if we are to truly understand each other!

Maybe your child is crossing a boundary or doing something unsafe. In that case, rather than telling them that they’re being bad, tell them that they’re doing something unsafe. Instead of labeling their behavior as good or bad, reflect to them what they are doing with pure observations and then tell them why you can’t allow them to do that. Instead of praising them for being good, tell them exactly what you noticed that was so wonderful.

Examples… first, instead of good:

I can see you were very focused when you hit that ball so far! You put all of your strength into it!

You helped me clean up! Thank you! That was very kind!

You’re so thoughtful and caring!

You were very upset and you had a big cry. Then, you got up and made a drawing. You handled your feelings so well! Everyone cries!

Examples…instead of bad:

Instead of “bad behavior”: Hitting your brother hurts him and I can’t allow you to do that. (no need to add on “bad!” Fear and judgment is never a good motivator.)

Instead of “bad food” (or bad to describe our taste): This burger tastes too salty for me. I am not enjoying it.

The show is too violent.

The pants are just not my style. I enjoy wearing them looser. They’re too tight and also they’re green.

In conclusion, “good” and “bad” inhibit our ability to know each other as well as we possibly can AND inhibit our ability to understand what is really going on. Further, they’re often use as fear motivators and judgment motivators to stop behaviors we do not like; and that is never going to end well in a child’s psyche. That all will just turn into negative self-talk. Instead of “good” and “bad,” let’s get specific, let’s understand each other better, and let’s love better. Let’s help our kids feel safe in the world and help them refine their understanding of themselves and the beautiful possibilities of powerful, solution-oriented communication!